The Sorrows of Katherine
by Ms. AtomicBomb
Summary: The loss of a child is hard on a mother. Sometimes, when she is all alone, she cannot forget her pain. Her love for Arthur had never vanished, although he did. And her sorrows; of loosing her husband and her children, never leave her either.


She sits alone on her bed; her hair hanging loose, her white nightgown on, her fingers tips fidgeting with the hem of her right sleeve and her cheeks stained with dry tears. It has been the only time that she thinks of him, that she has even whispered his name in years. She chokes back a sob as the emptiness of the bed gets to her again. The cold breeze is threatening and she feels the sorrow that has been haunting her for years now. The loneliness is getting her again at this time of day. She feels alone, so very alone and she cannot describe how the depression is taking over her; it is frightening.

She stops playing with her sleeves and draws her right hand to her lower abdomen—another sob held back; she has to stop crying while Henry is not in her room to see her, while there is no one around. She might feel lonely, but she knows that he is there. He will always be there with her; he will not leave her. Whether he be sleeping next to her in the early morning as she wakes or on his horse as she takes a ride around the city—he is always there even if he has left her.

She has never felt as empty as she does while she sits on her bed alone, blood on the hem of the nightgown; giving it a grotesque look. In fact, her entire dress is covered in blood; her hands are imprinted on the white fabric and her hair is a mess with blood streaking it because she would ruffle it every now and again. Even her skin is stained as she would rub her neck in anxiousness. It is as if purity has been stained—it is right though. Her innocence and happiness had left long ago and maybe that is the reason why there is no child in her womb anymore.

She cannot go further than this, she must stop—stop her life and her ambitions. She cannot be a queen like this. She cannot be the queen of England like this.

Tears stream down her cheeks again and she bursts into low sobs so that her ladies-in-waiting do not come for her. Once again she knows she will cry herself to sleep but amongst all the sorrow she holds to herself she blames herself and scolds herself. There is no reason to do so but it is deep in her heart that she feels the pain of being alone; the sorrow of the lonely life.

"A queen being so pathetic?" She hisses it in her mind.

"But how can I stand when my child's blood stains my clothes?" She answers herself with tears.

The heavy tears drive her to sleep and she dreams of when the days were much simpler; when she would lie next to him as the early sun would filter in into the room. The smell of roses lingering in the air around them as she would always bathe in the beautiful soapy water. His scent also entering her lungs and making her heart melt all the more. The days when she was so in love with Arthur and she had nothing else to worry over other than to love him and show him support.

"Not a bad day," she hears the line her mother repeats as she tosses around the bed while she slowly awakes from her beautiful dream; she is not ready to face reality this early in the morning but it was better that she do so as she is a queen.

Her ladies-in-waiting enter her room a little later and one of them asks for the Queen to awaken from her slumber. The minute that the lady sees a small blood stain on the sleeve of the woman she knows and quickly dismisses all the other ladies. There is nothing more painful than this and it scares the older female.

It was as if Katherine had herself forgotten of what the previous day had held and she sits up lazily as all the other ladies exit the room in silence, and the Queen yawns as she stretches her arms, the blood on her gown much too evident against the white fabric.

"My queen," the lady-in-waiting tightens her lips into a frown, "come on, let us get you cleaned up."

Katherine stands from the bed with much tiredness and nods slowly as the gown's neckline dips over her shoulder and her messy hair tries to find its place, "he's gone," she mumbles, mostly to herself but the lady is there to hear her.

"But Henry is here in his place, now," Maria retorted.

"I want to get out of here," there were things she would only admit to herself, things she would only admit to Maria and things she would admit to everyone-but today she could no longer hold it in her, "I want to see Arthur, I want to see my children; I want to be happy," it is hard for her. It is so very hard for her to wake up in the morning and place on a smiling face that the Kingdom will see—she was lying to her country and to her people.

She is being a liar, a deceiver—though it was not as if she had a choice to tell England the truth. Even if she loved Arthur so much that her body ached, she could not say a single word to anyone other than Maria.

As the water runs down her back, Katherine cannot help but take a deep sigh, her life is a mess and she is not able to fix it.

"Mary is waiting in her chambers, would you like to see her today?" The lady continues to wash her as the blood slides off her body.

Katherine stands from the tub and looks down at the blood tinted water, "Do I deserve to see her?" She asks as she slowly blinks her eyes, if she can for they are a bit puffy at the moment.

"Of course you do," Maria reassures as she wraps a rose scented towel around the young woman.

"If only I were as pure as her," it's not something that she simply blurts out or does not think about before telling her lady-in-waiting because Maria hears the woe in her voice.

"Milady, you are; you are the most pure Queen the world has ever known."

Katherine steps out from the tub and gives De Salinas an emotionless smile, "You know very well that my mother was-not me."

Maria pats the lady's head a couple of times and rubs the towel over her body in order to dry her properly, "There are things that you cannot avoid; the death of a child is not the fault of a mother unless it was intentional. You had never wanted this child to leave you like the rest,"

"B-but I did! It's my fault!" She tares from Maria's gentle grip and walks forwards, "for the smallest of seconds I thought about that it might have been a girl and I hoped it would not be; and I guess it really was because she's gone..."

"That is not how it works," Maria shakes her head lightly and walks towards the shaken female, "you did not murder the child yourself. You had nothing to do with it,"

"I killed her! I murdered her because she was not a male! I killed my fourth child with such harsh words! It was such an innocent life and I killed it," her knees buckle and she falls to the floor in agony, "I killed my own baby!" Her scream echoes in the room and the tears fall from her face again.

Maria looks at Katherine with worry and sorrow, "Catalina, you know it is not your fault," her heart hurt at the sight of her best friend and Queen weeping on the floor; demonstrating how she was as human as everyone else.

"I killed my own child, what mother am I?" Her words hurt Maria even more, if only she could understand.

"Mami?" A little high pitched voice mumbles.

Katherine shoots her head in the direction of a little girl-her little girl-and the tears fall harder as she thinks of all the children she lost, "Don't come near me, Mary," she mumbles as she sees the small child slowly walking towards her.

Mary stops in her tracks and tilts her head, "Mami, why are you crying?" Her voice is soothing to the woman.

Maria crouches down to the little girl's level and gives a woeful smile, "Mami is very sad right now, she doesn't want to see anyone but you should stay."

"Why? Why is she sad?"

"Your little sister won't be coming to join us anymore... She's going to heaven instead because God called her a little bit earlier than we thought,"

"Mami," the little girl runs to her mother and hugs her tightly, "it's okay, she's with God so it's all going to be alright."

Katherine holds the little girl close to herself and kisses her forehead, she does not say a single word but her eyes show all the pain they can hold. She wants to cry, cry forever so that the emptiness and sorrow of her heart leave with the tears; but she knows that that is not possible.

"Mami, todo va estar bien..."

"Ya se,"

Maria looks at the two girls and smiles, "Cata, listen to your daughter, she is here because of God and she is also your next heir; you must keep her well and never let her go."

The queen understands this and she somehow musters the courage to stand up, her daughter in her arms held tightly, "let us go get dressed and then we can go on a walk around the grounds, yes?" Her voice is still very weak but it gets better.

"Si!" Mary claps her hands and then Katherine carries her off into her inner chamber, "Mami, te amo,"

"Te amo también."

* * *

 **~Author's Note~  
**

 **Hello everyone! So this is, of course, a very tragic story. I have not actually watched The Tudors, it is only a story I have written because Katherine of Aragon remains as one of my favourite Historical Figures, I love her to bits; but I decided to write this story for her because I felt that her pain is not always portrayed. I think that by showing a side of her true sorrow, I may bring people to see her as a normal human being and not only an Infanta or a Queen. I also decided to write in a present tense because I simply feel that the story called for it. I wanted the reader to feel as if they were there with her as it was happening. I really liked writing this story, when I did, because I felt compelled to express her feeling in such a manner that had nearly brought me to tears more than once. I feel that the death of a child is very sad, and since Katherine had gone through this many times in her life, and I feel for her... Anyway, I hope you all like it. Thank you.**

 **Translations:**

 **Mami, todo va estar bien: Mom, everything will be alright**

 **Ya se: I know/ I already know**

 **Te amo (también) : I love you (as well)**

 **Sincerely,**

 **~Ms. AtomicBomb**


End file.
